Apostate

Such a dirty word. For a Mormon. For a Christian. But that's what I am. An apostate from Mormonism anyhow. Sometimes I take that title easily, readily. Other times it's "oh fuck, it's YOU again!"

Because those who knew me when I was Mormon [that are still Mormon] can, at times, treat me like I have some sort of leprosy. Careful. Don't be near me. You may catch my apostasy.

All joking aside, I do understand. In Mormonism, the prospect of falling is scary, dangerous. Because if you forsake Mormonism, you're going to outer darkness [aka Hell]. All promises are VOID. Baptism, confirmation, endowments, sealings. And if that's not enough, it's social suicide if you're public about it. Because you're not supposed to speak against the brethren [the former and current prophets and apostles]. And this social chocking is felt over and over as people socially isolate you from their circles. Old friendships are never the same because you can't possibly understand their eternal perspective or they don't know what else to talk about other than the church [because it is so much of their lives].

I think there's worse things in the world to be than an apostate. It's worse to be a thief. It's worse to be a liar. It's worse to be a hypocrite. I would be all of those, maybe worse, if I didn't own up to the label [that I feel erroneously gives me a negative image]. If I didn't own up to it, I would be taking stuff from a faith that I don't believe in. I would be lying to myself and to others. I would be dying slowly inside because of the lying to myself. That's just not worth it.

Slowly over time, I've been able to embrace this word. This label. See the ironic nature of it. Because I haven't apostatized from being myself nor from God. I'm happier now than I've been in years. I just have to learn to make new friends and recognize old ones who truly can take me for me.