Oath Breaker

"What bothers you so much about Lola walking away from Mormonism?", asked my sister, Rose.
"That she broke her covenants..." answered Beth.

Rose told me about her conversation with Beth in hesitation. With the understanding that I can probably never talk to Beth about it. I wish she would have though. I wish she had asked about it. How I felt about it. What thought went into my breaking my covenants. Because Beth was right. I did break my promises that I had made. (By the way, I don't feel bad sharing these, you can find these just as easily using a google search).

1) I promised to follow my husband as he followed God. 
    [Which I don't think she could really say I broke because my husband and I did fall
    away from the church together.]
2) I promised to tithe to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints 
    [Which I stopped doing because of my disbelief of the Church. I cannot in good conscience
    give money to an organization I don't believe in.]
3) I promised to avoid all light mindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, 
     the taking of the name of God in vain, and every other unholy and impure practice...
     Guilty as charged, minus the speaking ill of Jesus and swearing by using God's name.
     I find that experience life and it's joy is much better than not allowing myself to feel.
     Furthermore, I find "every other unholy and impure practice" to be ambiguous...
4) I promised to be faithful to my spouse. No problems there.
5) I promised to consecrate myself, my time, talents, and everything with which the God
     has blesses me, or with which he may bless me, to the Church of 
     Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I'm pretty sure that number 5 is the sticking point. The thing is though I individually substituted "God" for "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". I wanted to walk out, but couldn't without social implications or being afraid of how my soon to be husband and I would be wed. I call "foul" for putting such pressure on me in a high value time in my life. I wanted to get married. I wanted to marry Jesse.

So yes, I am an oath breaker. Not ordinarily so. I take my promises quite seriously. My father taught me that my word is my bond.

Apostate

Such a dirty word. For a Mormon. For a Christian. But that's what I am. An apostate from Mormonism anyhow. Sometimes I take that title easily, readily. Other times it's "oh fuck, it's YOU again!"

Because those who knew me when I was Mormon [that are still Mormon] can, at times, treat me like I have some sort of leprosy. Careful. Don't be near me. You may catch my apostasy.

All joking aside, I do understand. In Mormonism, the prospect of falling is scary, dangerous. Because if you forsake Mormonism, you're going to outer darkness [aka Hell]. All promises are VOID. Baptism, confirmation, endowments, sealings. And if that's not enough, it's social suicide if you're public about it. Because you're not supposed to speak against the brethren [the former and current prophets and apostles]. And this social chocking is felt over and over as people socially isolate you from their circles. Old friendships are never the same because you can't possibly understand their eternal perspective or they don't know what else to talk about other than the church [because it is so much of their lives].

I think there's worse things in the world to be than an apostate. It's worse to be a thief. It's worse to be a liar. It's worse to be a hypocrite. I would be all of those, maybe worse, if I didn't own up to the label [that I feel erroneously gives me a negative image]. If I didn't own up to it, I would be taking stuff from a faith that I don't believe in. I would be lying to myself and to others. I would be dying slowly inside because of the lying to myself. That's just not worth it.

Slowly over time, I've been able to embrace this word. This label. See the ironic nature of it. Because I haven't apostatized from being myself nor from God. I'm happier now than I've been in years. I just have to learn to make new friends and recognize old ones who truly can take me for me.