Religion Unlisted

It wasn't a big change on the social media. Privately changing my listed religion from Christian/ Buddhist to simply Buddhist.

The change of heart though... THAT was amazing.

It was this discovery within the last couple weeks that I didn't literally believe in much of the Bible at all. The change really hit my heart when I realized I didn't believe that Jesus Christ is my savior.

Not because I think I'm perfect. Far from it. But what kind of God would make an imperfect being [like myself or the BILLIONS of other people] and then demand perfection? To top that off in order to satisfy that need for perfection, He gives up His only PERFECT Son to quench that thirst?

The whole notion of "sin" has pretty much gone away. Yeah there's laws I keep because they are my truth:

1) I still love/ honor God because I still believe in Him [or Her or It]. I see it in nature.
     I see it in my fellowman. I see it in the heavens. I hear it in a song.
2) I still will endeavor to love my fellowman to the fullest possible capacity

I thought the notion of letting go of Jesus would be a scary thing. I thought I would be afraid of hell and damnation. I'm not. I'm more afraid of what others [my Christian friends and family] would say if they knew. That's a big chunk of people for me.

I don't particularly feel like being preached at [because I know that's what would occur from several people.] I've heard enough Bible pounding for several lifetimes. So for now, while I build my strength and learn some more about my new found belief system, I lay quietly in my faith.

I will confess it is a hard thing to do because I'm usually the one calling people out on their stuff. And there's been plenty of stuff to call people out on, but I cannot explain it to them without there being Another discussion. One which I'm not quite prepared for.

The Cacophany

Sometimes it's beautiful, other times all I can do is retreat back in shock & horror...

All these people with all their religions/ faiths/ walks- whatever you want to call them.

They swear what they believe is true. That their solution of how the world makes sense is the ultimate reality.

• The world was created in literally seven days.
• The world was created because of a sonic boom
• The world is floating around the the back of a turtle
• The world is the dream of the gods
• Mankind is naturally sinful, have to repent and have that sin taken away to enter unto God.
• Mankind will live many lives and become gods and goddesses.
• Mankind will cease to be after this life.

So many conflicting stories. It seems most believers equally certain of their tale. Many believers unwilling to look at could part of what they believe be wrong? [Even if just a little bit.] All fighting, warring, committed to help others "see the truth" even if by force if needs be.

My question is, if it's truth, then why do you need to force them? Is it really the end of the world if not everyone knows it, because there's bound to be someone who misses the REAL truth of how this world came to be, the existence [and nature] of god, and what is in the hereafter. Yes the world is small now because of the fast technology at our finger tips, but it was not always so, and some parts of the world are still far off because they have not that [at their fingertips.] I cannot believe God can be so cruel and unjust. Nature doesn't expose God for what he or she is. It is something that has to be assumed with the best data given.

I know my ideas about god and this world have changed a number of times. It will probably continue to change as my understanding/ knowledge increases.

Amidst the cacophony is one sweet note that all of them share. That is where I will [and do] live- love. Service. Self-sacrifice. Not because I know of [or desire] some great reward, but because I know that is what's right. I will continue to prune the wrong notes in my own life until all that is left is a beautiful melody saying simply "It is good to do good. Be the good."

Oath Breaker

"What bothers you so much about Lola walking away from Mormonism?", asked my sister, Rose.
"That she broke her covenants..." answered Beth.

Rose told me about her conversation with Beth in hesitation. With the understanding that I can probably never talk to Beth about it. I wish she would have though. I wish she had asked about it. How I felt about it. What thought went into my breaking my covenants. Because Beth was right. I did break my promises that I had made. (By the way, I don't feel bad sharing these, you can find these just as easily using a google search).

1) I promised to follow my husband as he followed God. 
    [Which I don't think she could really say I broke because my husband and I did fall
    away from the church together.]
2) I promised to tithe to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints 
    [Which I stopped doing because of my disbelief of the Church. I cannot in good conscience
    give money to an organization I don't believe in.]
3) I promised to avoid all light mindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, 
     the taking of the name of God in vain, and every other unholy and impure practice...
     Guilty as charged, minus the speaking ill of Jesus and swearing by using God's name.
     I find that experience life and it's joy is much better than not allowing myself to feel.
     Furthermore, I find "every other unholy and impure practice" to be ambiguous...
4) I promised to be faithful to my spouse. No problems there.
5) I promised to consecrate myself, my time, talents, and everything with which the God
     has blesses me, or with which he may bless me, to the Church of 
     Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I'm pretty sure that number 5 is the sticking point. The thing is though I individually substituted "God" for "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". I wanted to walk out, but couldn't without social implications or being afraid of how my soon to be husband and I would be wed. I call "foul" for putting such pressure on me in a high value time in my life. I wanted to get married. I wanted to marry Jesse.

So yes, I am an oath breaker. Not ordinarily so. I take my promises quite seriously. My father taught me that my word is my bond.

Into the waters

Usually I would have written something like this under my real name on my religion blog, but because I feel rather exposed because of the material, I'm posting it here, so please forgive me.

I think the first real religious choice I made for myself was being baptized. I was raised in a non-denominational Christian household. While there was no real set age to get baptized, there was still this unspoken guideline that you were supposed to be baptized [as a child] by 8-years-old. Thankfully, my parents didn't really push it. They figured I would make that choice when I was ready. I realize [now] though, I was still expected to choose what they chose.

 

I could have just as easily been any other religion, depending on what the tradition of my family had been. From a young age, I thought, "What are the chances they are right?" Not because I knew much about other religions traditions as much as I knew some believed in God and/ or Christ and some didn't. I didn't want to give my life and energy to a fairy tale.

So I waited. I was 12 when I got baptized. I'm still not certain if I chose it more out of expectation or pure acceptance of Jesus Christ. Don't get me wrong. I believe in Christ. I believe He was a good dude and that He probably is the link to help me get back to God [because of my own imperfections]. But other Christians would call me less of a Christian because of my non-literalism when concerning the Bible. And as time has gone on, I've taken less literally.

I made the choice to be re-baptized, into Mormonism, when I was 18. Again. This I really wonder if I had understood and known all I know now, would I have made that choice? I seriously doubt it. And because of Mormons believing being baptized by proxy for their kindred dead, I have been literally baptized so many times that I cannot count or recall it. Each time because someone else told me it's what was expected of me. But I walked into the water of my free will. The "authorized" person put their one hand behind me, raise their hand and said their words, dunk me entirely under the water, and lift me out of the water again. It was an emotionally moving experience each time. 

I still am doubtful that baptism in itself will or did save me. Yeah it was me giving my life to God. In that I was sincere, even if I think the act itself was unnecessary.

Am I a Christian?

What a sticky question. I would have to say "yes", but I'm certainly not a traditional one.

I believe I'm inherently imperfect. I could live a thousand lives and the result would most likely be that I would mess up a million ways collectively. I believe in a God who is perfect and probably doesn't want to particularly want to see the messes I've made because I would bring mud all over His white house so to speak. So I believe that there has to be something [or someone more accurately] to clean up those messes. That someone to me is Jesus.

The reason why I'm thinking about my own Christianity is a question I had to day in my Bible study: "Is there any part of the Christmas Story that you doubt?"

Well, yeah. I find the virgin birth rather astonishing. Immaculate conception is an awfully big pill to swallow. It wasn't a new tale either. There were tales of Greek gods impregnating mortal women for centuries prior to Jesus' birth.

Here's the thing though... He still lived a damned fine life where he taught to love God and love your fellowman. He taught service was a way to show that love. In that I think Jesus was a pretty good guy. He performed lots of miracles. He lived and died honorably. I think He may have still been able to fill that gap for me.

So yes, I'm a Christian, but I'm rather non-literal. And if the mainstream Christianity knew, it would be rather unpopular.