I recall an old adage that goes something like "The choices you make today, determine the choices you make tomorrow."
I am feeling that adage at this time in my life.
I'm not certain if it's a good or a bad thing. I suspect it's a bit of both. It's not that I don't like my current life. I just wish for something more and don't see a way to get it.
I am a mother of 4. I love my children. I feel so restricted by my motherhood. I wish I had known how hard and demanding motherhood would be before I had become one. I wish I could have felt that it was okay to feel overwhelmed before. When I had fewer kids. Because I was. I was afraid to admit it before. I am still am a little afraid to admit it now. Because I still feel like I have to, in some respects be the do all, be all mom. The Supermom that all seem to expect me to be.
I feel obligated to pour everything into them though because if I fail them, then I am indeed failing. They are depending on me to grow and learn. I want them to be loving, intelligent people. And they are.
And yet I feel this call to be more than a mom. The call is rather unclear to me though. Because I have so many interests. I hate all this contention. Not knowing what to do. And feeling so conflicted. Because of programming I had before that I *should* just be a mom. And so many still trying to push that programming on me. And at the same time, I feel like because I'm a mom of so many kids [and some of them with special needs] I have no real alternative. *sigh*
My past choices [even if I do love them] have at least narrowed my current ones.
Awareness can be a double edged sword. There is the school of thought that ignorance is bliss and maybe there are times when we crawl back into that cave of self preservation. The stark reality of how things truly are can be overwhelming at times, however, future planning is much more meaningful when we acknowledge life for what it is. I sometimes oscillate between wishing for the blissful ignorance and being thankful that with wisdom comes the pain. I have no doubt your awareness makes you a great mum. The challenge is discovering how to turn this awareness into a great benefit for ourselves as well. May 2013 be all you could ever hope for. Best wishes. Jeff.
ReplyDeleteLola, I can totally relate to your thoughts. Being a mom can be daunting. It can take up so much of your energy, especially when your kids are small. And yet, it's during this season when you're giving so much that you need more than ever to hold onto your identity, your interests, and your goals.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time, when I was overwhelmed and my kids were younger, when I had goal to go on a walk every day. It was the sorriest goal ever but it was the best I could do. The most I could do to snatch a few moments to myself. It involved waking up at the crack of dawn before anyone else was awake and it didn't last long. But I still remember the moments of clarity those early morning walks gave me.
Now for you, a walk may not be your thing, but I wouldn't give up on finding something for yourself. There's no reason to feel guilty for it, either. If anyone deserves happiness, you do.