A Resolution

My biggest fear in life is that I will turn out just like my mother...


You see my mother abused me. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically. It left all kinds of interesting scars. For the most part, I think I have forgiven my mother. Trust me, I'll be discussing my issues with my mom and the stories behind it at some length here. Yes, I've healed. But there's still scars. There's still others suffering from abuse in other arenas that I think need to hear my tale to hear that they can escape their world of abuse. My mother was the number one reason though why I am Lola Dahl [or why I am currently using a pseudonym in other words.] She cannot handle the truth. Any attempt on my part of examining the truth is automatically perceived [by her] as my non-forgiveness rather than my attempt to deal with my past and it's emotional baggage.

Because like it or not. The things in my past have formed who I am today.

I find myself at times sounding like her. Acting like her. It makes me sick to my stomach. Literally. I know really in my heart of hearts I am no where near as bad as her. But she wasn't always bad. Sometimes she was quite good. She was quite loving, caring, fantastic even.

But I hear her when I get frustrated with my children. I see her when I need to just do my thing but I resist out of guilt. This pattern is so eerily familiar, the little hairs stand on the back of my neck. I feel so conflicted to do anything other than mother, but ironically I think if she had done something other than just mother I think she would have been oh so much more content with life. I see her when I spank my kids. Note I said spank. And I spank very lightly and sparingly. She used her hand [or at times a wooden spoon] and usually left red marks on my bottom. I hear her when I raise my voice at my kids most of all.

So my resolution. Not to. Well, not as much. I resolve to be a better mother by trying to be calm. Understand their point of view. Meet them. Consider their personalities in my disciplining of them. But mostly love them. Do stuff with them. That is what my mother did right when I was young. I will aid them in their dreaming and fun. And I will aid myself in finding my own dreams and let myself be a non-mom from time to time.