Feels like a terrible confession...

... when it's really probably just me being rather human.

I'm jealous of my husband.

I'm jealous that he gets to leave the house most days without the kids in tow. This one could be said over and over because it is such a big thing to me right now. I feel isolated. I feel like I can't go accomplish what otherwise I could if there were no kids or at least less kids. I love my children. I do, but having so many so close together is a challenge. Having 2 of them be under the autism umbrella makes it even more of a challenge. I am often discouraged because I feel like I can never make all the progress with all my children that I would like to. Part because of motivation. Part because of energy. Part because of pure lack of being able to do it all myself because of time constraints and pure lack of ability. And then I get momentarily angry with God and want to say to Him, "Why the did you give me all of this?! I can't fucking do this!!!"

I'm jealous that he gets to further his education above and beyond anything I will ever accomplish. Because he's so much more intelligent than I am.

I'm jealous he IS smarter than me. Don't get me wrong. My husband NEVER willfully makes me feel stupid. He is considerate and compassionate. He values my "intelligence" [which is in quotes because my intelligence is not so much related to academia as it is people. Not that it isn't important to be smart about people and being able to read them, but in society it is usually an undervalued skill.]

I'm jealous that he gets to pursue so many of his dreams and I feel I have to give mine up over and over. So much so that sometimes I can't even think of what I would dream if I could have any reasonable expectation of reaching it. Seriously, part of the reason I think I can't decide what I would want to do with my life is because I know that it will probably not happen. Again not because he so much discourages me, but because I have these other obligations [called raising kids] to tend to before I could even entertain it. I would have to find the childcare and spend his money to do it. Which of course I feel guilty for the latter. Because he's the one working. I'm not [according to society anyhow.]

I'm jealous because often the kids act like the like him better than me. I know they just love their father. And they should. But I feel a little thrown under the bus there.

I know I'm not the only one with this confession. I know there's out there who have it worse than me because their husbands willfully to make them feel lessor. But know even if you husband was good about not trying to make you feel that way, you could still feel that way.