"She deserved to be verbally abused." "She deserved to be beaten." "She deserved to be raped."
What alternative reality do you live in? How can a victim ever deserve ill treatment?
When I was 16, I was dating 2 guys. Both of the guys knew I was dating the other. I made it very clear that they were not expected to be exclusive either. One was that good boy next door, Jack. He had a good heart, big smile, but was super shy. He was afraid to hold my hand, let alone give me a kiss. He was just super shy and super awkward with girls. The other guy was Chad. The bad ass mother fucker that my dad did NOT approve of at all. He was fun, sociable, hilarious, adventuresome and probably a few years too old for me.
Well, after a football game one day, I went to a party at Chad's with my friend Tonya. I had been to a few of his parties. They usually were innocent enough. We'd have some punch, eat some food, play some very silly games, and go home around midnight. There were lots of people there. There was Chad's brother, Jo (who I was really good friends with); Jo's girlfriend, Monique; and at least a dozen other people.
Well this party was a bit different. I had called my dad, and told him I would be going to my friend's Tonya's party afterward. No big deal. My dad wasn't crazy about the idea [because remember he didn't like Chad], but he trusted my judgment. Someone there. I don't know for sure who [but I would bet Chad], spiked the punch that night.
He asked me to have sex with him that night, and...
But he didn't listen. I couldn't fight him. Even if I had been sober. He was bigger and strong than me. I had done everything I should have done. I was with lots of people on a date. I was with people I trusted. I even checked in with my dad [on the way to the party]. I was wearing a damned sweatshirt and blue jeans that night (so it's not like I was dressed provocatively). And Chad still raped me. Thankfully, I blacked out about the time he was removing my bra. I don't remember any of it.
The thing was I was ashamed. Even though I did nothing wrong. My dad asked me if anything happened, and I felt so ashamed that I let Chad take advantage of me, that I lied to him and told him I just fell asleep on Chad's couch. I never pressed charges because I felt like I enabled him. I look back and I have to ask myself, "How?" I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing.
So this is for all you posers out there. Who say that men shouldn't be accountable for their ideas in their heads. This is for all of you that say that women deserve to be raped. Would you say that of your friend, daughter, sister, mother? Because there's lots of victims out there. Most of them like me. They were afraid to tell their tale because they thought they were guilty of some crime when the crime was inflicted upon them. Or they are afraid no one would believe them. I know people would have believed me about Chad. That wasn't the issue at all. He had a rep as a player. I thought it was just a rep and he was just misunderstood. Sadly, I know that I wasn't Chad's last victim. 6 months later, he raped a even younger girl and got her pregnant. So eventually, he did pay his price. But I wonder how many suffered before that occurred.
Victims, don't be afraid as I was. You did nothing wrong. You are wonderful, beautiful, fabulous. Get help and heal.
Oh my word. Lola. I am so sorry. This is terrible, and you are absolutely right. This must stop. This excusing behavior of rapists, and acting like it is a far, far away problem. I never told either because when I told at 5 years old that my neighbor pulled down my panties, I was actually afraid my dad was going to kill the guy. What a good dad. I was terrified however, and it happened to me over and over again.
ReplyDeleteOh, Lola, I had no idea! That is just awful! I agree that we need to put the blame where it belongs, on the person who's inflicted harm by pushing their will on another. I'm glad you don't feel ashamed anymore, at least. I hope Chad eventually learned his lesson. Did you ever tell your dad?
ReplyDeleteNo, my dad still doesn't know. I figure by now it's water under the bridge. And I'd rather not face his reaction- still. Even though I know he wouldn't blame me. I don't know if Chad ever really learned his lesson, but I am sure he at least served some jail time for the rape of that other girl. The girl ended up miscarrying or having an abortion (I'm not sure which), but the baby wasn't ever born.
ReplyDeleteOh man....this is so sad!!! I met some guy online once who took me to his place...I felt I shouldn't go, but I did.....he touched my bare skin inappropriately, under my clothes, and forced a camera down my pants to take a picture of my vagina...he told me he was going to post it on the internet...I begged him to take me home...he forced kisses on me with his split bleeding lip....even now I shiver thinking about it. I asked him on the way home how he could go to church and take the sacrament...he just shrugged and said, " the sacrament is for sinners," I did eventually tell my parents and they just got mad at me for meeting someone from the internet.....I blamed myself, of course....
ReplyDeleteThat's a lot crap. I mean yeah meeting a stranger not the wisest choice, but like a young lady thinks of that. At least when I was younger, I had kind of an invincibility complex. You can find that as ironic as you want. I think it was my way of trying to protect myself from all the pains I lived through and part teenage stupidity. Not your fault. Even if you had asked for it [literally], not your fault. Takes 2 to Tango. ;-)
ReplyDelete